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In Fit of Culture War Zeal, Red States Propose New ‘Defense of Marriage’ Amendments.

May 18, 2019

 

The following is satire.

 

Pro-Life conservatives have finally decided how to respond to the uncomfortable remarks of disgraced governor Ralph Northam and the off-putting policies of pro-abortion Democrats in Virginia and New York. The answer was obvious: enact opposing policies that are equally off-putting and force conservative governors into positions where they will be forced to make uncomfortable remarks. Checkmate, libtards!

 

But why stop there?

 

One particularly ecstatic anti-abortion activist does not want to stop. He believes that America has turned a corner, becoming a completely pro-Life nation. As he put it, using hand-motions to indicate scare quotes:

 

“You know, I have heard some ‘reasonable observers’ in the ‘mainstream media’ who have said that moderates were merely ‘backing away’ from Northam’s radical comments. But, that's not what really happened, there. What really happened was this: as soon as Northam said what he said, all of America immediately converted to religious conservatism! It’s true. Trust me. If anyone tells you anything different, that’s fake news.”

 

Vamping on imaginary momentum, Culture War crusaders in Alabama, Georgia, and Missouri decided to petition their State governments to consider a Constitutional Amendment. Like the "fetal heartbeat" bills, these Amendments would be moot on arrival, given current Supreme Court jurisprudence about their constitutionality. Surprisingly, the amendments have nothing to do with abortion at all. Rather, they define marriage as the union of one man and one woman, just like the old Defense of Marriage Act from 1996. One advocate explained his exuberance:

 

“Look. The Religious Right is completely winning, right now. Roe vs. Wade is as good as dead, already. There is no reason why we shouldn't go after every Supreme Court decision we have ever opposed! This is our moment, and total victory is within our grasp!”

 

Of course, not all conservatives immediately jumped on board with the Religious Right’s new kamikaze strategy in the Culture War. But, voices of moderation have been subjected to withering criticism from their hard-line opponents. Ramesh Ponnoru, writing for Bloomberg View, argued that "incrementalism" is a better, tried-and-true approach for the pro-Life movement. For his opinion on the matter, Ramesh was brutally attacked. As one critic said,

 

“Anyone who does not think that NOW is the time to declare Christian theocracy... that person has obviously never been a conservative. So, good riddance to bad Ramesh!”

 

Our sources also report a 450% increase in the use of “bye felicia” .gifs from pro-Life accounts.

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